A collection of quotes and thoughts by Meister Eckhart on new-beginnings, poems, books, prayer, life, heart, soul, love, God, serene, creation and knowledge.
Change is hard, guys. I should have been thrilled, but the idea of leaving my comfy job and awesome co-workers for something new and different was kind of terrifying. After spending way too much time agonizing over my decision, I ended up taking the new job , hating it, and quitting without a backup plan. Long story short, that choice led to an entirely new career.
How good relationships turn into bad relationships, seemingly out of nowhere. So I want to shed a bit of light on a potential reason behind these changes — if you once had a healthy and mutually rewarding relationship, this might give you a starting place for the work that has to be done. OR at the very least enlighten you as to what happened.
My other name for this episode is Family Ties. Does any of this sound familiar?
It can make you feel stupid like you should have known better. It can make you feel personally insulted and cast aside — like you have been punished for no reason whatsoever.
It can make you feel upside down and lost, like you never knew this person at all. Before I get started I want to tell you that this is a much abbreviated explanation, because this is such an intricate and amazing topic. I highly recommend investigating further into your respective challenge. There are three parts: the what why and how — the tools. On the surface, what most couples fight about it money and sex.
Usually when people get stuck in a power-struggle, the form it takes will vary according to the practical variables in your relationship — but underneath that is an internal struggle within both individuals: a fight for their version of intimacy to be realized.
Our bonds are formed on the basis that both parties need to maintain intimacy and autonomy, simultaneously. So the bond will continue to be a dance: a balancing act, for both people, between those two states.
I need to be myself. This is who I am. I want love. This is how you love me. Intimacy and autonomy are both important to maintain and balance in a relationship. How is something that both people agree to — or struggle to figure out, as they go. What most couples fail to realize in their relating to one another, is that each person has a very strong imprint — kinda like the shape and tint of their goggles — through which they perceive their mate, and every act done inside the relationship.
How we experience the actions of another person takes on meaning based on our particular emotional map.
Because of our particular lacks or a monumental imprint in our map, we literally cannot see eye to eye with our perceived partner. This is when intentions are lost, communications stop landing, and the gap becomes wider. In these crevasses all that we can identify is our vague association of this situation from OUR familiar experiences. Well, as a start, we can trace the patterns to uncover the missing pieces that lead to the misunderstandings. Very specific conflicts play out depending on certain landmarks of your emotional map.
I want to offer you some information on some of these landmarks and I invite you to connect the dots further with your partner. Because by examining your patterns, you can find the roots to any missing foundational elements of self. From there you can both retrain yourselves to grow and foster your respective voids.
Why would that awareness be helpful to you? They can only see their own needs and opinions — projected and overlaid atop of their partner. And so it breeds resent. What originally attracts us to someone is said to be the same thing we resent about them later on.
I need this thing, you have this thing in abundance. Give it to me. This comes about because of fatigue, and also the receiving end can never truly be quenched.
Only soothed and kept at bay. Usually the most conflict in a relationship comes about because one person has changed the way they act in this unspoken agreement: either they begin to resent their role or grow out of their role. But you HAVE to love me in this way!
It triggers the repressed rage attached to the unmet need — one that has been thus far soothed by the filling of respective voids. I want to put that into more specific terms so you can see what it looks like.
This imbalance causes an increased level of lack on both sides, overtime. The broken person feels increasingly more broken.
The care-giver feels increasingly more resentful and neglected in their needs. The care-giver eventually self-protects by distancing themselves which triggers MORE emotion and neediness from the broken one.
Another set of conflicts arise when one partner begins to grow out of their role. For example, the emotional person might begin to grow and demand to be given more respect. This threatens the care-giver and makes them feel insecure in their role, thus it evokes hostility and attempts to return the imbalance. To the caregiver, it feels wrong — it makes them uncomfortable in who they are and what makes them worth loving. When a couple is in a power-struggle of needs, the most common tactic is to polarize to your partner: to pull even harder in opposite directions.
You should change! What was soothing, now becomes a hostile battle fought on practical terms. You never were good in bed. What did I tell you about spending too much money?! Depending on how vulnerable each partner feels and how much they blame themselves, sometimes the relationship conflict creates great distance in the place of battle. If both people are afraid to address the conflict, they will create a safety zone of distance between them. This is so both can feel protected from the most painful manifestation of their intimacy problems. Where suddenly you know that everything is perfect the intimacy patterns come from?
The particular patterns that form in each individual has everything to do with how they were parented and how they interpreted the self and intimacy, growing up. To a startling degree in fact, these dynamics are engrained into us on a cellular level. The act will come out of nowhere! Like deep-down programming that has been suddenly triggered to play.
For example, one of my clients suddenly decided they were enraged at their partner and wanted a divorce. We are gifted with our emotional habits in the way we are raised and reacted to — and that plays out differently when it comes to the various life triggers and milestones we reach. So some will be sleeping til a particular milestone arrives in our life. For example, if a person grows up without a stable parent, but they were given lots of resources to take care of themselves, this will become part of their emotional toolset as an individual.
It means its kept at bay and soothed with other things.
Without the therapy and insight to confront the unmet needs— or even see them and put them into words, as adults we will simply merge the voids into our view of self, and seek out others to help us soothe them. But that particular quest will never be fulfilled. The void lives on. They call it the family jingle: it can be depression, alcoholism or repression.
So back to how this relates to your relationship…. When you have an imbalance in the way you relate: the contract you both agreed to is tied to some primal needs. Some are visceral and potent — and they scare us, they often feel too powerful to face.
So when we feel our partner has betrayed us by not meeting our needs, by not respecting our terms — the hurt that this triggers is, too — primal. In this feeling, you are not alone.
Do not lose heart. A healthy attachment is two autonomous individuals who are complete unto themselves, coming together to share their gifts — with no strings attached. You can see that you are being you, and that is not gospel. Now imagine if BOTH partners are able to see that process happening and are able to communicate around it. This is when you can solve for ways to change how you act based on it.
If you are recognizing the differing perspectives in you and your partner and the loop of unmet needs is sounding familiar, then I want to invite you to go to the next step — together, on this quest.
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