I just look for someone I connect with and hope that we are both on the same .

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What is my age: 49

Seems like women these days don't appreciate that, though. Sound familiar? These days, it seems that online dating apps are more crowded with desperate, bitter dudes than a pick-up artist's weekend seminar. You know the type: the guy who insists he's kind, thoughtful, patient, and exactly what any smart, self-respecting woman should want. He's baffled as to why girls consistently pass him over in favor of jerks. As a hetero man, I actually understand the appeal of this mindset. Despite believing myself to be a decent person, I spent adolescence struggling to find and keep a girlfriend.

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Well, we were both right. So the real question is: if they are out there, how do you find the good ones? In fact, some of the most seemingly innocuous places are also the best places: the grocery store, the coffee shop, the library, you name it.

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In fact, I have a tendency to date d-bags.

Why i don’t date nice guys

The ones that are arrogant. The ones that are experts in gas-lighting. The ones that lie, cheat, and lie again.

The ones that withhold affection in order to gain power. How could I know that I have the tendency to do exactly this and yet continue to dive headfirst and knee-deep into the highs that come with catching the one who saves his affections only for the women ready to believe him? These men all share qualities that are not innately bad— in fact what makes these men appealing are the good qualities they all share: confident, outspoken, self-assured, aware. But in no time, he reveals that that confidence was truly arrogance and a lack of concern for others.

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The outspokenness a mask for unapologetic tactless, rude and inappropriate outbursts. The awareness a tool for understanding and manipulating his captive audience. Well, women just like the challenge! Women inherently want to change, fix or save people! Clearly women who love d-bags have daddy issues. Those reasons make me cringe. I thought I had to settle and adopted exactly that same type of bullshit guess-some-things-never-change attitude.

And after a few years of trying to figure this shit out? Familiarity can often feel like security, and security feels good even if what we thought was secure and safe hi are you looking for nice guy only familiar. This shows up in my life a lot, not just in the world of dating. It is familiar for me to drink away the feelings of discomfort on a first date. It is familiar for me to want to deal with stress by tapping out of my day and gearing up with a Netflix binge.

It is familiar for me to take on projects in the form of people, both in friendships and in relationships. It is familiar for me to be too empatheticto take the blame, and to avoid conflict at all costs. It is familiar for me to fill my deep lonelinessfear and self-hatred with all the wrong things. It is familiar to me to want to help those who are mentally illeven if that comes at the cost of my own mental well being.

It is familiar to me to put myself last, and others first regardless of the costs. Those things are all familiar to me. I grew up with three brothers, who I love dearly. But it is familiar to me to give each other shit, not talk about our feelings, and avoid talking about the hard stuff. It is familiar to love each other despite our differences and despite how hard it is to get along sometimes. None of these familiar things are safe if we define safe as good for me both mentally and physically.

Familiar is not always safe.

# how do i answer the “what are you looking for in a relationship” question when i’m not sure i know?

I get to be right about not being able to find any nice guys. I get to be right about my belief that dating feels like rummaging through a dumpster looking for the least broken thing. But bigger than that, that little insecure part of me receives affirmation. Hi are you looking for nice guy, better buckle up and get used to it. As I continue to do that by making choices that are right for me and creating boundaries that keep me safe from just doing what feels familiar, the tiny girl in me that believes that this type of love is what I deserve gets smaller and smaller.

I think the same reason I have trouble accepting love from nice men is for very similar reasons. When something feels bad, I try to stop questioning it and trust it. They have the opportunity to show me what they want, and when they show me who they truly are— I fucking take that shit at face value. Psychopaths, serial killers, probably even the current President of the United States. Recently, I realized a guy I went on a 2nd date with was actually a major d-bag.

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And immediately I liked him more. I recognized the fact that he and I would never actually be a good match in the world of dating, no matter what the learned and familiar instincts were telling me. I listened to the rational part of me that knew on the deepest level that he was someone to run from. Two dates. Dating truly and not self-proclaimed nice guys guys is new and confusing too. But things are easier when I know that these are my tendencies.

Why do i do date douche bags?

Do you have a history of dating the wrong types of men? Why do you think you do that? Share in the comments below. She started Clo Bare in when she first wrote about personal growth, mental health and relationships, and as the years went on her love of personal finance took over.

I asked a guy where to meet good men, and this is what he said

Now she's teaching the world how to money, one step at a time. I totally understand you. I have two brothers and seeing how gross ans A-holes they can be with girls, I learned how to be an A-hol3 with boys too. Not only limited to my country but in all the places I have lived.

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I abused it until it got exhausting. It comes with age. Treat it like a social experiment and enjoy dating like you are an HR person looking for someone to do a job for you. Lol enjoy life. I love that— treat it like a social experiment like an HR manager. Girl, I feel like we are connected in some way.

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I was always like this when I was dating, before I got married. I almost feel like you said word for word how I always felt. Drawn to the wrong type of man, for some reason or another. And always eventually falling apart in the same ways.

I used to feel that way too. The men I would find attractive did not ever seem like equal in mentality and maturity levels. Insecurities paired with social pressures completely overtook me.

5 reasons why the 'nice guy' is actually an assh*le

Oh, It was a dreadful cycle! I loved reading this because it reminded me of where I was and how far I have come in my journey to understanding myself and the choices I make. Brilliant article! Your writing is easy to follow, I look forward to reading more! You know how NICE it is to hear that? As you know, I do the same thing. But this post was real and straight! For sure! I definitely have dealt with that as well. I enjoyed reading your personal opinion about the way you look for a kind of man you were seeking.

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I am a man and i am learning something from you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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Unfortunately, many nice guys never finish last. They never seem to get what they are seeking in relationships. Studies show that women perceive nice guys as less assertive, less attractive and less sexually attractive. Nice men with some sense of social dominance are more attractive. It happens quite a lot that women do not perceive nice men as attractive, or view assertion as attraction. Two thoughts— 1. I think that men can be assertive and nice. I got to a point for myself that I was fed up with my tendency to not date nice guys, and because of that I decided to work through it.

Does this stem from the thought that a nice guy is really hiding something? Hiding their true self only to be revealed later.

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I do believe some nice guys may have hidden issues but, we all have those.

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